Up Late Ponderings...

I've been on a very odd sleeping schedule lately. My body seems to be all out of whack with the lifestyle changes I've made more rigorous lately. I was thinking in bed tonight about my life, where I want to be, and the people I've met along the way. There have been a lot of people whom I could credit that made me the person I am today, however I'm not always sure if they did the most noble things for me. I was thinking tonight about being alone, and my road to where I want to go does better if I should not take a companion. For this reason I began thinking about the loneliness of social relationships, and success.

I realized tonight how many people I've met that I've termed my 'friends' who have evolved into better friends, some romances, some who can never be more than acquaintances, and those who deserve more than just mere disregard. The life artists live is normally a very ambitious, selfish career. I don't think selfish is in this instance a very negative one, but we are most definitely very self-serving to our own ideas and work under our own prerogative. I think for this reason it is difficult for us to develop sincere relationships with people because it is difficult for us to let people into our fortress that allows us to expose our insides all over canvases, sketchbooks, and countless other media, day by day, open to the mercy of the criticism of the wandering mind of strangers. I think there are many times that I have formed relationships for pure rational means. Friendships because that is what made sense, relationships I stayed in because I felt there were things that were still beneficial for that period of time, etc. Most of the time I think people realize that its a part of the process of being social and professional striven beings, but I wonder how often people actually take offense. I forget that not all my thoughts make sense in the same way to everyone else.

Relationships like romantic ones are just as tricky as acquaintances that are free to evolve as they so choose. Intimate relationships with people require a certain amount of time, angst, and reflection in general. So many times I have found myself so at odds with my personal romantic relationships because they interfere with my work. I think there has been many things that have created this identity crisis of sorts that perpetually causes me to strive to figure out who I am. Photography has given me a productive outlet of sorts. What can I really admit though? I am young, been humbled throughout my life, and have so many questions about my worth in this giant world, my one thought on a collective level, and the ever pressing reminder that I am purely temporary.

So ultimately lately I have begun to wonder what is the purpose of relationships? Why do we need them? My ultimate path is unimaginable success one that I heard is a very lonely path. I then have to ask if this is the ultimate value to you, then why not get used to the loneliness of being alone then form a relationship when all it will do is distract you from your work, and ultimately lead you away from the success and leave you alone once again? It seems rather silly. Even more so it seems insincere to use people as a means to get you through the tough spots that will take you to your desired success? If anyone should begin to feel enlightened and care to share I'm all ears... It completely boggles my mind why relationships are so important to us when they often feel so insincere, and when will really leave you unprepared for you ending destination...